Many of us get freaked out when we don’t know what’s going to happen or how things are going to turn out.

So what is it about uncertainty or the unknown that freaks people out?

Well the answer is simple. The only thing that freaks us out is how we are thinking about uncertainty.

There is nothing inherently scary about not knowing. For example, if you watch a ‘murder mystery’ movie, you’d be annoyed if someone told you who the culprit was within the first 5 minutes. It would spoil the experience. Even though there may be a part of you that wants to know, it’s the thrill of not knowing that makes it such a great experience!

In many situations in life, we relish not knowing. We enjoy the process of imagining what might have happened or what will happen. Anticipation is a wonderful thing. For example, you book a holiday to somewhere you’ve never been before and you begin to imagine all the wonderful things you might see and the experiences you might have.

Whilst giving us wonderful experiences, this gift of imagination is also what trips us up and de-rails us.

When people are in a new situation where they don’t know what’s ahead of them, they can either imagine exciting possibilies, scary scenarios or just remain curious and hang out in the unknown.

So you see, it’s not uncertainty per se that’s the problem. The problem is that we misunderstand where our freaked out feelings are coming from. We think it’s the situation (the lack of information, the absence of answers etc) when actually it’s coming entirely from our own thinking.

This crucial fact has many implications.
For example, consider all those different scenarios at work, where people ‘don’t know’ what’s going to happen or where there is some uncertainty. How often are these situations frustrating or stressful for people? And in comparison, how often are these situations energising, inspiring and motivating?

Uncertainty is an experience of thought.
And the more you see how it really works, the more you can appreciate the unknown, just like you do when you watch a great movie.

Do you ever want to speak out about something and then stop yourself?

And when you want to achieve something, are you unstoppable or do you get easily de-railed?

Whilst it’s sometimes sensible to proceed with caution, there are many times when people stop themselves unncessarily. We allow ourselves to get de-railed.

Why is this? What’s really going on?

The answer is Fear & Insecurity and it has many flavours including:

-fear of the unknown or uncertainty
-fear of failure
-fear of disapproval / being criticised
-fear of being disliked or not accepted
-fear of losing control

You might recognise some of these. It’s very human to experience fear and insecurity sometimes. But it only becomes a problem if we buy into our fears or insecurities ie. if we think they are real.

So how do you get past fear and insecurity? How can you thrive inspite of it?
The answer is very simple and yet easily overlooked.
At it’s very essence, fear and insecurity is an experience of thought. Your thought.
So the starting point is to recognise your fears and insecurities as thought, rather than as a ‘truth’ about you or the world.

When you start seeing insecurity as just thought rather than reality, you’re on your way back to your natural confidence and freedom of mind.
Then you have to realise that whatever you are thinking in any given moment, will look like reality to you. Your thoughts will often seem real.
Your mind is like a projector – projecting your thoughts outside of you onto the big screen we call life. But we dont realise that it’s our thoughts we are looking at!

In addition, you also feel your thoughts in the form of an emotion. So for example, the more you think about something in a fearful way, the more scary it will feel and the more real it will seem.
So here’s something incredible.
Consider for a moment that all you are ever experiencing is your own thinking. Period.
For example ;
Insecure thought = insecure feeling / experience
Unhappy thought = unhappy feeling / experience
Excited thought = excited feeling / experience

Now again, it’s tricky because quite often, our feelings and responses don’t look like they’re coming from our own thoughts.

It tends to look like our feelings are coming from the situation ie. the person, the traffic, the queue or some other external factor.

You can test this thought/feeling connection now. Try to feel happy while you’re thinking a sad thought. And now try to feel sad while you’re thinking a happy thought.
It just doesn’t work. Whatever thought you are having will be creating your feelings or emotions.
So here’s the thing. Your moment to moment experience (ie. feelings/emotions, response) is only ever coming from your own thoughts and from the way you are perceiving a situation.
So even though it might really seem like it’s your colleague, partner, the weather or economy that is making you feel insecure, upset, happy or annoyed, in actual fact it’s your own thinking that’s causing those feelings and responses.
An example to illustrate this further is when something happens at work on Monday and you feel very annoyed or frustrated. It seems like a big problem. Then the exact same thing happens a week later and it seems like a minor irritation.

How is it that we can have a different experience and different feelings about the exact same circumstances?
The only difference is that you’re thinking differently about it. Thought is always the key variable at play.

Now i’m not saying that it would be acceptable if someone intentionally punched you in the face. But you want to see that your experience of their behaviour is entirely a function of your thinking in that moment. And this means you have way more choice in how you experience things than you realise.

Take a closer look. Begin to see how you are always experiencing your own thinking, moment to moment. It’s the biggest show on earth. It’s called your life.

Over the coming week or two, if you feel stuck or insecure or you notice any feelings of anger or upset, just stop and ask yourself, is this real or is this just my thinking?

One of the implications of this way of working and living is stress and anxiety. You may have noticed that the more frantic your thinking gets, the more stressed or anxious you feel.

When our minds get speedy and cluttered with thoughts, we often get that feeling of overwhelm. We lose clarity and perspective. It’s like driving a car with the handbrake on. Alot of energy gets used but we don’t get very far.

When you notice this happening, it’s a sign that you need to slow your mind down. A slower, calmer mind is much more helpful to you than a busy hectic mind.

And this is where planning can really help.

In order to plan, we have to slow our thinking down. We have to step back and take a more objective look at things.

It’s less of a ‘doing’. Planning can be as simple as taking a moment to pause and re-clarify the purpose of what you’re doing or re-prioritise what’s important. It’s not an analytical process. It’s reflective.

You’ll know when the time’s right to pause, slow down and take stock. It’s when you start to feel a sense of anxiety or a lack of focus or clarity. It’s different for all of us but you know it when you experience it.

The paradox here is that when people are feeling stressed or anxious, they often feel an ‘urgency’ to continue what they’re doing and thinking. This just makes things worse. It’s a toxic trap!

Take time out. Pause and reflect and you’ll bring increased perspective and clarity to what you’re doing and that will ultimately yield better results and save you time and energy.

There’s always alot of talk about change.
World change, organisational change, personal change.

Why is it that some changes last, whilst others don’t? Why do some people find change difficult or painful, whilst others embrace it?

In the world of psychology, there are two types of change that shed some light on these questions.

1. First-order change

The definition of 1st order change is when ‘adjustments are made within an existing structure’.
For example, you change a behaviour (such as smoking) but your fundamental beliefs or ways of seeing the world remain the same.

It’s a case of doing more or less of something. Faster, better etc.

You are playing within the rules of the game – either your rules or someone else’s.

This kind of change is reversible – you can make a change but you can also go back to how it was before.

New learning is not necessarily required in order to make the change.
You can use your existing understanding or skills to make the change.

The old story continues to be told (whether it’s a personal story or an organisational story).

For example; “I’m too young to be taken seriously but i’ll keep trying and perhaps something will change”
or “People don’t like change. We have to make it easy for people and then they are likely to go along with it”

2. Second-order change

With 2nd order change, the existing structure is challenged and disrupted.

For example, your behaviour changes because your thinking has shifted. Your world view has been shaken up and altered in some fundamental way.

2nd order change requires a new way of seeing things.

Rather than playing within the current rules or constraints, the rules of the game are changed.

This kind of change is irreversible. Once the change has happened, we can’t go back to ‘how it was before’ like a butterfly can’t go back to being a caterpillar.

This is true transformation. A new story is born that replaces the old story. The old story no longer makes any sense.

For example, in ancient Europe, bloodletting was perceived as the best way to cure disease or illness. It was a common medical belief and this story was told for 2000 years.

When it was later discovered that bloodletting was causing more harm and disease (quelle surprise!), a new story was born.
People’s fundamental beliefs about disease and health were challenged and as a result, their approach to curing disease was transformed.
And it would never go back to how it was before.

Labotomies were pretty popular too, until they realised that removing brain parts was not the answer to mental health issues.
I could give countless examples but you probably get the idea.

So what does this mean for you and your life?

Well if there are changes that you want to make, you can either work within the existing boundaries or challenge the boundaries.

Are there areas of your life where you’re not getting the results you want? Or perhaps you are dissatisfied in some way?

If so, take a look at your fundamental beliefs about the situation. Are they serving you?

Probably not. And since beliefs are simply old stories that we tell ourselves and others, you have free will to create new ones.

Now I admit that I have used ‘typology’ with individuals and teams over the years. And it can be helpful but the more I learn about human potential, the less useful it becomes.

I’ve come to realise that whilst it’s crucial to be able to connect with another person and be flexible in your own style or approach, there are some major disadvantages to categorising people (including yourself of course).

With any kind of diagnostic, people get a label. For example, he’s a ‘feeling type person’. Or he’s an ‘expressive creative’.

BUT

We are not born an ‘expressive, creative’ person. We’re not born an ‘analytical driver’. We are born a blank canvas, pure unlimited potential to create ourselves anew on a go- forward basis.

But we learn who to be from an early age. We get given labels early on. We take on other people’s beliefs. We develop preferences. We learn certain values (from parental figures etc).

And the point is – it’s all learnt. It’s not fixed. It’s not who we really are. It’s just how we are thinking and you are not your thoughts. You are a thinker who can think anything!

Sometimes I feel warm and fluffy towards others. I have warm fluffy thoughts. Other moments, I get very task driven and can momentarily forget about how others might be feeling. Some days I get caught up in the detail and forget the bigger picture. Other days, it’s the opposite. And it’s all driven by thought.

The 2 biggest problems with categorising people (or ourselves) by personality type is the following;

1) People often associate with the label they’ve been given. This means they can innocently become constrained by the label by living up to it. “Oh I don’t do detail. I’m a big picture person”.

Because of this innocent mistake, they might ignore or be excluded from opportunities. They get type-cast like Maggie Thatcher, who was so much more than just an ‘iron lady’.

2) Typology pre-supposes we are born a certain way and that’s ‘how we are’ and ‘who we are’.
But we are not our typology. We are not our labels!

The truth is that human beings have the capacity for new thought in every moment. And new thought brings new insight and new behaviour.

You are not an extravert person or an introvert. You are a person who has the potential to think in a more expressive way or a more internalised way.
The moment we put a label and description on ourselves or on others, we limit the possibility of who we are and who we can be. That possibility is unlimited potential unfolding with every new thought.

Rules are an interesting phenomenon.  I’ve been pondering the nature of rules recently. My own and other people’s.
We live with all kinds of rules. Societal rules, moral rules, recreational rules, communication rules, parenting rules. The list is endless.

People have a ton of rules that they operate by – many of which are not visible to us. But if I asked you to think of certain ways of behaving that you  deem unacceptable, inside of the answer, you would discover some rules or principles that you live by.

We have rules about relationships, work, education, family etc etc. Many are learnt and gifted to us by well meaning parents and other authority figures.

Organisations have customer service rules and several other work related protocols. They are designed to help people to do their jobs more effectively. Often, they are used as a method of control. Rather than generating effectiveness, they constrain and limit what’s possible.

It’s interesting to see how rules can generate and foster creativity or they can stifle it. Rules can open minds or close them.

They often serve to reduce ambiguity and guide us through complexity. And for many, rules serve to provide a sense of certainty. They tell is what is so, how to behave, what is acceptable and so on.
We human beings have a tendency to want certainty and familiarity.

There are certain areas of life where rules are critical. Let’s take a card game as an example. Card games (and most other recreational games)  are reliant on rules to create a context within which the game can be played. Without rules, we can’t play the game.

Schools have rules. Imagine the chaos if there were no rules, no structure, no boundaries. Parenting experts often talk about the importance of boundaries and consistency to help children flourish. In this context, consistency and familiarity are crucial to their wellbeing.

Comedy is also an interesting playground for rules. For example, jokes have a structure. There’s an implicit rule when it comes to designing a good joke. It requires a set up and a punch line.

Music is another example of where structure and spontainaity meet. I love going to ‘jam’ nights at different venues. Musicians turn up with their instruments and they play together. It’s typically unrehearsed which is why it’s called a ‘jam’.  So, what makes it possible for people to make great music on the fly?  What I’ve come to appreciate about music is that it follows certain rules. Most popular music has 4 beats to a bar. Blues which is particularly common for ‘jamming’ has the infamous 12 bar blues structure. It’s this form or structure that allows the musicians to experiment and play with the music. In this context, structure enables spontanaiity.

At the same time, there are many compositions that musically violate certain ‘rules’ and yet they are still deemed to be masterpieces. Tchaikovsky and Beethoven were both known to break the ‘rules’ of composition in their own ways.

In the realm of creativity rules also play an important role.  It would seem on the surface that they would stifle creativity.  Surely structure conflicts with freedom and spontainaity? However the opposite is often true. Starting with some basic assumptions or rules can encourage people to freely express and explore.

A river flows freely because it is held within certain boundaries that we call river banks. Rather than constrain the natural flow, it encourages flow, allowing fish to flourish and boats to sail.

Rules and structure should exist to support us, to enable creativity, flexibility and progress. Otherwise, we should surely question ‘the rules’.

It’s also important to recognise that we each may have innocently trapped ourselves by certain rules or structures. Insecurity often breeds unnecessary rules. And when we notice these self made traps, we then have the choice to question, challenge and where appropriate, ignore or change the rules of the game, so we can play better and enjoy it more.

When communication is at it’s most influential, there are two particularly important things at play.
Relevance and Impact. And the interplay between these two aspects is crucial to the effective sharing of your message.
The following is, I hope, a useful illustration of this.

One of the traits of human beings is their inclination to take things personally. Of all the things I’ve learnt and continue to learn, this is a big one.