We have two invisible friends that travel with us at all times.  One is called Memory and the other is called Imagination.

 

Memory tends to focus on the past and Imagination is more interested in the future.

 

They both add alot of value to our lives and like many friends, they like to help us out from time to time. Memory knocks on the door to remind us about important things.  Imagination takes us on wonderful adventures and creates new possibilities.

 

Memory can sometimes get a little vague or confused and because Imagination is so clever, it often gives memory a helping hand. 

 

Interestingly, it can be hard to know who’s in charge – Memory or Imagination.  And there are times when they act more like enemies than friends.  For example, Memory will try and overpower Imagination, keeping us locked in the past, stopping us from moving on. 

And Imagination will try and freak us out by creating scary scenarios that we believe are real.  

 

The good news is that they are both made of Thought. They just happen to play different roles in the drama called ‘your life’. And because they are made of thought and because we have free will, we can engage with them in any way we want.

 

If Memory invites you out, you don’t have to go along. If Imagination starts taking you to places you don’t like or enjoy, you can part company and choose a new path.

To your increasing freedom of mind.

In the film Devils Advocate, Al Pacino and Keanu Reeves are negotiating a contract.
Pacino says “Pressure changes everything. Some people, you squeeze ‘em, they focus. Others fold.  Can you summon your talent at will?  Can you deliver on a deadline? Can you sleep at night?”

 

Interesting question…..”Under pressure, do you focus or fold”? This got me thinking.

 

We all have times where we’re faced with tough or challenging situations.

The difference in how someone responds is simply a difference in mindset.

 

Before I expand on that, here’s my unpolished definition of each;

 

Focus = in the zone, in flow, inspired, alert, energised, feels effortless

 

Fold =  hesitant, feels difficult or overwhelming, panic, freeze, withdraw, shut-down, give up, avoid

When people are focused, they are ‘in the zone’. There’s an absence of insecure and
other toxic thinking. At worst, they ignore their insecure thoughts rather than dwelling on them.

When people are folding, it’s caused by over-analysing, over-thinking. There’s no objectivity.

 

When people fold it’s because they have insecure thinking and they buy into it.
“oh my god, i can’t do it / how will i get it done /i’ll get it wrong/i dont know where to start” etc etc.

In effect, they freak themselves out with their own scary thinking. And we all do this from time to time. And sometimes with more dramatic consequences.

A classic demonstration is when people tell me that they do their best work when they’re under pressure. But it’s not the pressure that does it even though it looks like it is.

That’s a misunderstanding about how it works.

 

What really happens is that when there is only a short time to accomplish something, many people will abandon their toxic or insecure thinking and just get on with it. It’s essentially ‘crunch time’.

But how is it that other people in the exact same situation will fold? They’ve got the same deadline, the same time pressure.

In their case, rather than drop their unhelpful thinking, they continue engaging with it. By doing so, they fuel it to the point where it ignites and they fold (freeze, run, withdraw etc).

 

We all have the potential to go either way. The direction we take is always and only ever a function of our state of mind.  When you can see fear and insecurity for what it really is (toxic thinking), you can free your mind to focus on what really matters.

 

If you’re interested in learning more about pressure and stress, read my article The Truth About Stress here 

To your increasing freedom of mind.

 

A typical example is when someone tries to sell an idea. They get a ‘no’ and they make that mean something about themselves as a person ie. “i’m not smart enough/ they don’t like me” etc. Consequently, the avoid situations where they might get a no.

 

Or how about the person who doesn’t like doing presentations because they think the audience is judging them as a person rather than simply assessing the content or the ideas being presented.

 

There are many pitfalls of taking things personally. Here are a few;

 

 

Taking things personally is a major business repellent.
Why? Because it stifles objectivity and the ability to see the bigger picture.

 

It also makes people overly and unnecessarily self conscious.
So, instead of being present and noticing what’s going on around them (essential for connecting and developing opportunities) they are self absorbed and busy minded.

  

Taking things personally creates all sorts of problems in relationships.
Essentially, you’re making it all about you. This lack of objectivity leads to misunderstandings, paranoia and unwarranted conflict.

  

When people are concerned with how they’re doing or how they look to others, they’ll often try to avoid criticism. To them, criticism is a personal attack. This means avoiding speaking out, sharing opinions or asking questions.

If you notice yourself getting into that type of thinking, you might want to stop and ask yourself “why am I making myself so significant in this?”. This will direct you to a more objective position. From there, you’ll have far more influence.

 

I’ll give you an example.

I was teaching a presentation skills class a couple of years ago. We were exploring how to inject humour and theatre in to the communication.

 

A few people asked me “If we’re too lighthearted about it, won’t that just diminish the
importance of the message?”

 

What they were essentially saying is ‘if something is important it should be communicated in a more serious way’.

 

First, let’s be clear about the difference.

 

Important = significant, worth paying attention to, of value

 

Serious = requiring concentration, earnest, sober, solemn, subdued

So I challenged their notion by asking

“Are there examples of important things you’ve
learnt or heard that were communicated with a light touch or a sense of humour?”.

 

Of course they had many examples from their teachers at school through to TV advertising.

 

Just because something’s important or significant, doesn’t mean you have to get
serious about it. On the contrary, if we want people to listen, remember or
take action, sometimes the best approach is to lighten up and stop taking ourselves
so seriously!

I have a friend who frequently compared himself to others. 

 

Interestingly, after making these comparisons, he always found himself falling short and then felt bad. It’s not a great strategy.

 

If you want to know how well you’re doing, don’t compare yourself to others. Instead, look back and see how far you’ve come. Re-focus on what really matters to you and get a tangible sense of the progress you’ve been making.

 

And if you want to develop your ideas, skills or understanding, find inspiring role models or mentors who can act as a source of guidance.

 

In the words of Judy Garland:  ”Always be a first rate version of yourself, instead of  a 2nd rate version of somebody else.”

When people are being highly influential, you’ll notice there are two important things at play:-

 

Relevance and Impact.

 

Communication tends to fall into one of these categories;

 

Missed opportunity. You understand your listener. You know where they are at. You’ve got the right message but it doesn’t land. High relevance, Low impact	High impact Low relevance   Missed opportunity. It’s like telling a powerful story but leaving the listener wondering “what’s the point? how’s it relevant?”
Low impact Low relevance   Back to the drawing board.	High relevance High impact    Powerfully communicated message that speaks directly to what matters to the listener. The winning combination.

 

RELEVANCE:
Whatever you communicate needs to be aligned with the listener’s need, understanding or interest. They will see how it’s relevant to themselves/the situation.

 

Do I understand where they are at?  (in terms of experience, point of view, level of understanding).    

Do I know what matters to them? 

And does my communication take these things into account?

 

You’ve got the right message. It’s relevant.

And you’re using the highest leverage approach to communicate the message.
e.g. an engaging story, personal examples, visuals, case studies etc.

  

Ask yourself: What’s the most effective way to deliver this message to ensure it lands fully?

When relevance meets impact, that’s the sweet spot.

Walt Disney was a prolific and talented creator.
Robert Dilts modelled Disney’s strategies and observed that he used three distinct types of thinking. These became known as
The Dreamer, the Realist and the Critic.

We all use these types of thinking. They’re all essential if you want to create something new,
make a change or achieve a specific goal.

 

The Dreamer is where we explore ideas and possibilities, without limitations.
There’s no judgement at this stage. We explore with the spirit of young children who believe that anything is possible.

  

Questions you might ask include:
What would I/we/you love to create?
If there were no limitations, what would be an amazing outcome?
What’s the dream scenario?

 

The Realist is where we turn the dream into reality.

  

Questions you might ask include:

How will we achieve it? What is required in order to make it happen? What resources are needed? What steps do we need to take?

 

The Critic is where we challenge the idea and/or the plan.

Questions you might ask include:

Have we missed something? Will this really work? How will it work in reality? What changes do we need to make for this to be effective?
What if —-? 

You can also re-sequence to:
-Dreamer 
-Critic
-Realist
-Critic
-next steps

 

The important thing is to allow a full initial exploration before you start to plan or challenge the idea.

 

It’s interesting to note that people are sometimes more skilled, comfortable or familiar with one of more of these types of thinking.

 

For example, someone could be great at dreaming and then doesn’t take time to plan out how to make it happen. Or sometimes people critique an idea before it’s been fully explored.

I’ve also noticed a tendency for people to want the ’how to’ before they’ve fully clarified the goal!

 

As Disney and many other prolific inventors have demonstrated, it helps to take multiple perspectives and increase the likelihood of success rather than innocently limiting it.

Everyone has the capacity to achieve spectacular results in any area of life.

 

We see countless examples of how people have achieved the seemingly impossible.
Consider Roger Bannister who broke the 4 minute mile or the Wright Brothers with the first
gas powered plane. Human creativity has no limits. We only have to look around today to see
countless examples of brilliance in the form of technology. And so it continues.. 

 

So what does it take to achieve extraordinary results ?

A useful distinction is Obsession v Passion.

On the surface they seem quite similar.
However, they vary tremendously in feeling and impact. Perhaps the biggest difference between these operating styles is that one is
healthier than the other. Obsession often comes with a high price.

 

Here’s a way to consider the differences.

 

Obsession	Passion
Driven by toxic urgency and sense of need	Driven by desire to create for the joy of creating and exploration.
Feelings of anxiety, stress or fear	A clear mind unclouded by distorted thinking. Good feelings
Compromising your health or wellbeing to get a result	Operating from a sense of wellbeing and clarity to get a result
Options are reduced and doors are closed	Options are expanded and new doors open
Survival mentality – thinking that things are at stake (ie. your security or reputation)  and you’ve ‘got to’ achieve	All action feels like a choice rather than a ‘must’. You know you’re always OK regardless of the result.
Relationships are neglected and stifled	Relationships are enhanced and deepened
Driven by fear of inadequacy or failure	Driven by desire to learn and grow
Often closed to hearing new things – focus is narrow. We become blinkered	Open listening – focus is broader. We see and notice more
A focus on perfection	A focus on learning and discovery
Your identity is hinged on your achievements – you’re only as good as your results	Your identity has no correlation to your achievements. You know that who you are is not your results!

 

In essence, Obsession constrains and Passion liberates. 

 

So how do you know if your obsessed or if you’re passionate?  The fastest way to know is to notice how you’re feeling.

If you’re in a ‘bad’ feeling, then chances are you’ve been obsessing and your thinking has been distorted.  If you’ve got a good feeling, then you’re thinking is probably clearer and you’re operating from passion.

 

If you want to know how to switch from obsessed to passionate, simply become aware of the way you’ve been thinking. Obsession tends to be kept alive by insecure thinking. When you realise that you’re always OK regardless of the results, you’ll find yourself able to achieve whatever you want with freedom of mind.

Aikido is often described as the peaceful martial art because to be successful, strength, speed or aggression is not required.

 

With Aikido, the movement and energy of an attack is redirected without the need for force.

The Aikido Strategy is about using what someone gives you in a

conversation to re-direct their energy and attention so that they;

 

- discover something new

- realise the benefits of your ideas

- change their mind

- make a commitment

- take action

* any or all of the above

  

The way to do this is to ask questions. In order to even process a question, you have to

re-organise how you are thinking about something. And that’s what influence is about – helping people to see things differently.

  

 

 

When you ask this question, you are gently challenging any

assumptions or beliefs in relation to the subject being discussed. It’s very powerful to unearth insights or new understandings about a given situation. This can open up new

possibilities to explore further.

 

 

These questions will reveal any perceived limitations and implications. It causes people to re-evaluate or re-consider something they may have previously ‘written off’.  You can then explore their responses more fully to unlock opportunities that may otherwise remain hidden.

 

(Often, people don’t stop to consider the assumptions they’ve been making. In fact, they often don’t even realise they are just assumptions and not facts!)

 

Asking “What if you didn’t —?” is a great question to reveal the potential costs if they don’t take action. People are often more motivated by what they will lose, rather than what they will gain.

 

For example “What if you didn’t question things fully –  what’s the potential cost to you?”(in terms of missed opportunities etc)

 

* you can also ask the ‘how do you know’ question in combination with these.

 

 

or What’s the real value of [making this change]?

 

When someone tells you what the value of your ideas are to them, they are essentially selling it to themselves.

 

It’s a simple fact that until people recognise and buy into the benefits of your idea/solution, they won’t take action.

 

Whilst it’s crucial to know how to position and communicate the value of your ideas/offer, it’s even more effective if the other person convinces themselves.

Last week, I shared with you two key principles for handling difficult people or tricky situations.

This week, more about how to turn Difficult Dans into Raving Fans.

 

When people get upset, annoyed, frustrated or conflicted, this is gold dust. It’s in these moments that you can get to know someone and understand how they think.  And that’s one of the keys to influencing, persuading and changing minds.   

 

 

Here’s an example. I was teaching recently and one of the participants was getting very frustrated. I could see this and I was also aware of how uncomfortable other people were feeling.

I asked him one question  “What’s important about this for you?” and with that he visibly relaxed and calmly explained what was on his mind.  

 

The truth is, I didn’t know what was causing his frustration. As a result of asking him what was important, he felt heard and this created a stronger connection between us. I now understand more about him and how I can influence his learning in a more positive way.

 

Whether it’s a business meeting with colleagues or clients or a family gathering, the principle is always the same. Don’t try and guess. Find out what’s most  important to people.

 

Just ask questions like;

“What’s important about this for you?”

“What really matters here?”

“How can I [help/support/add value]?”

 

This may seem obvious but what often happens is that people get caught up in other people’s upset or frustration. Instead, take a step back and recognise their frustration, annoyance or upset as a symptom of something more important. When you address what really matters, then you’re being truly influential.